issue i: debbie selnow's article

Alright. So, my boyfriend called me a cunt a few weeks back. I’ve never been able to reclaim the word for my own personal, empowering use. I feel like this contention deserves a discussion, and what better place to state my own opinion, than on my own, personal, feminist blog.
Before I get started, just let me clarify that I, as a person, a whole, was being identified entirely by my genitalia; he was not referring to my “sweet cunt,” nor am I dating James McAvoy. At any rate, I don’t feel it necessary to divulge the details of the situation. Suffice it to say, conversation was heated, and the implications behind the use of the word were not particularly loving.
I already said that I have never been a ble to reclaim the word for myself in a positive light. To me, there is too much hate surrounding its use. However, in comparison, the term “queer” was also incredibly hateful, and has been successfully reclaimed as an empowering word by the queer community. In that regard, I am willing to acknowledge the potential in reclaiming the word “cunt” for myself—as a woman, and as a feminist.
The latest issue of Bitch, the “Lost and Found” issue, contains a piece by Julia Appel about the slur “J.A.P.” (Jewish American Princess) Appel discusses the various attempts at reclaiming the word, and the ways in which the racism that originally defined the term continue to resonate across the nation as a whole. Appel notes that,
“The problem with reconstructing any slur for use by one group is that there are plenty of other groups out there who never stopped using it in the first place.”
I think this is true in any attempt at reclaiming a harmful word. There has to be agreement among those reclaiming it, and a restructuring of the term in a positive and empowering light that is agreed upon broadly, so that the new implications are so strong that it becomes incredibly difficult for any individual or group to use the word slanderously while still being taken seriously.
I am trying to reconsider my opinion with regard to another point Appel makes. She says that the reason most attempts at reclaiming the word “J.A.P” have failed is that “the term is left with almost all its negativity intact.” When I was called a cunt (and for the record—probably not something to boast about—this was not my first time being called a cunt, simply the first time someone I cared about deeply and who knows me quite well used it toward me in a retaliatory context) I felt it with all its hatred intact. I felt not empowerment, no pride, no actual confidence whatsoever.
I went through a period—actually, very recently—where I did try using the word relatively casually. I failed miserably. I failed because I used it only in reference to myself, and I used it to acknowledge that I knew I was being seen as irrationally bitchy in the situation, and I actually used it as, more or less, a means of writing off my rudeness and by expressing just how upset I was about something. I admit this for two reasons: First, to point out that there could possibly have been a reason for my boyfriend to misunderstand my stance on the term, since my failed attempt at reclamation—if you can call it that—was as recent as it was, and second, simply to demonstrate an attempt and reinstating a term bound by hate gone horribly awry. I fully admit to my naiveté in doing so.
Still, this attempt was bound in frustration, and lasted me less than two weeks before I became completely disgusted in myself and refused to even speak the word. At that point, I see a regression in place. However, to reiterate the way in which a word can be used to invoke such a great deal of hate and hurt, let me just say this: After this instance I do see things more personally. Like I said, not the first time I’ve been called a cunt. But it was the first time I was called one by someone I love. It took until I compared the “c” word to the “n” word (my partner is mixed) days later for him to tell me, “If you would have made that comparison earlier, I would have COMPLETELY understood that ‘Hey, not okay.’” I’m not entirely sure that I buy that. I first of all don’t think it is ever okay to call your girlfriend a cunt, and secondly, definitely don’t think it is okay to call your feminist girlfriend a cunt. At least with anger—which is almost inevitably perceived as hate—behind it. I do take responsibility for my recent reckless use of the word, and understand a degree of misunderstanding. However, I think the situation does help me recognize just how lost I can be within my own feminist ideals, but what is more, how painful one word can truly be.
I have no solidly constructed thoughts on the matter; all I have is what I have said. As a plus, I always like to know that I am still able to feel passionately about something.